Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Fat White Lady

The lovely Amanda from Serenity Now received a crappy Anonymous comment on her blog a while back. The commenter called her a "fat, white girl". Amanda handled it beautifully.

The Slammed Blogger said:
I received my first nasty Anonymous comment here on my blog the other night.

"Anonymous" didn't agree with my conservative views. That's okay with me, honest! I read bunches of blogs each day, and I don't always agree with the writers' points of view. I'd be really bored if everyone agreed with me.

What I don't do is respond with name calling.

Yes, I know I'm fat. Yes, I know I'm white. Do you really need to point that out? Really? My weight is something I'm working on, and I can't help the pale. I think I have some albino lineage somewhere in my family tree.

Although "Anonymous" was correct in her (I know it must have been a "her" because a man would never sink to this) assessment that I am indeed a "fat white lady," it still stung.

No one likes to read their deepest criticism of themselves in print. On their computer screens. Where hundreds of other people will read it.

Not too many years ago, a comment like that would have pushed me into a familiar dark place. A place where a scoop of ice cream would mean running around the block a few times, doing stairs once home, and then hundreds of sit ups until feeling satisfactorily thin again and on the verge of collapse.

The words hurt, yes.

But instead of sinking into that murky hole, I chatted up a few blogging friends. Not only had they felt the sting of a nasty comment or two, but they knew just how to deal with it.

I used my delete button.

I deleted the comment, and I deleted my angry response to Anonymous.
Mandi Says:

To Anonymous: Ditto everything that Amanda said. Except the delete part….post it here instead!!
Amanda you are such a strong and beautiful person. I love that you were not afraid to share where that comment could have taken you and I am so glad that you have albino lineage in your fam, cause I do too and so that probably means that we are related! Holla Sistah!!

Vivienne Says:

Good job Amanda for working this all out in a healthy manner and taking the high road.

Once, at a party a very uptight woman looked down her nose at Sir Winston Churchill and said in a disapproving voice, "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" It was reported that Churchill gave her a brief glance and said, "Yes, but tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

To the mean, anonymous commenter: Amanda can lose weight and possibly get a tan, but I fear you will always be a socially awkward dork who can't get anyone to talk to them at parties.

What Do You Say?

20 comments:

Gina @ The Shabby Chic Cottage said...

Ok, so I'm not good at comebacks - but Amanda, my sweet friend, it doesn't matter. Why, oh why do people use "fat" or "white" as an insult? Like the commenter has no flaws? Just like in almost every instance of rude comments & cyber bullying - the commenter uses words of meanness to make themselves feel better.

We love ya, Amanda - no matter what your size or color :) (Coming from a plus size, caucasian girl)

Prudently Painted Vintage said...

I love Amanda. She is so sweet and talented and BEAUTIFUL.

At The Picket Fence said...

I'm not sure whether to be outraged or just plain sad at the cruelty we as women (and I'm with Amanda, men don't often resort to such low blows) display to each other! Okay I'm both..outraged and sad! I mean really...if you don't agree with someone just STOP READING, no reason to leave hateful comments. You took the high road Amanda, good for you! Now we can take the low road and respond to this meanie on here. lol

Heather @At The Picket Fence

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

Amanda, I'm so sorry you had to put up with this awful comment. My darling, do not feel you need to change for anyone except yourself. Beauty is more than appearance; YOU are beautiful! Your comment send is NOT!

EmptyNester said...

I just don't understand hateful hurtful comments. Our differences keep us all interesting! We should celebrate them instead of attacking them. I guess some people are so bitter they just can't help themselves...or they're just mean spirited....I don't know. But I do love this site! And I appreciate the support and encouragement. And I LOVE that we can find the humor in some of this negativity! Be strong and shake it off!

Ems said...

Amanda, I don't know you yet, but I like you! You keep on being your awesome self...you've got something going for yourself, which is far more than Ms. Anonymous can say.

kamcicle said...

i'm a firm believer in the whole "put others down to build ourselves up" phenom. human nature, plus our training on "getting ahead" and such lends itself to this kind of behavior. the guise of anonymity only exacerbates this inherent human trait. we all have it. but also, we all have the ability to control what we say, as well as think about the consequences of our actions, like "how would i feel if someone called me *insert stupid insult here*?" what is also phenomenal, is how nice people really do outnumber the the lame-sauce peeps who think that the only way they can feel good about themselves is by putting others down. it works the other way actually. how do people not know this?

anyone who leaves a comment that attacks or belittles, is unhappy, dissatisfied, and most likely suffering from the same condition that they are condemning. you know, kind of like politicians that don't publicly support gay marriage but are found lurking around public restrooms.

just sayin'. ladies rule!

Indiri said...

Somewhat related to the Winston Churchill comment, the neighbor kid (teenager) once told my sister she was really fat. She told the neighbor "I may be fat but you're ugly and at least I can change".

Jessa Smith said...

What is wrong with these people? They read something they don't agree with and instead of an adult response they revert back to elementary school?!

And in response to your conservative views - she attacks your appearance? Really? Her political debate skills are stellar...

Don't let some negative person get to you. This person is obviously dealing with their own issues. Keep doing what you're doing! It's great!

Kathy S said...

People that leave nasty comments for no reason and that are absolutely mean and hateful must just be angry lonely people that don't like to look in their own mirrors. Also they probably would never be able to say something so nasty to some ones face because they are chickens. Secondly, posting it anonymous really proves this point that they can't even stand by what they say and give out their name. It is shameful behavior and they all truly need to seek professional help and stop running around the internet insulting innocent people that have never done anything to them and hiding behind their computers where their anonymity keeps them safe. Truly it is a sick thing these people do. Frankly it really chaps my hide!

Jayna Rae said...

Why do people bother making these comments? I don't understand, really I just don't.

Vivienne-You always crack me up.

The Princess Of Forks said...

As a fellow "fat, white lady" I proudly say: Please, if you ever happen to meet my in person, say this to my face so that I can point out the *obvious* about you.

Seriously, if you're going to be hateful, use a little creativity. I will help you with things that I could immediately change, should I want to:

1. My hair is frizzy today.

2. I wear mismatched socks...kind of a lot.

3. I realized after I left the house this morning that I put mascara on only one eye but I really didn't care enough to apply it to the other one while I was in traffic. Deal with it. Just thought about it now and decided to leave it...just to spite jerks like the original commenter.

4. I have a pile of folded laundry sitting on my dresser (ON. MY. DRESSER.) at home. It's literally INCHES away from being put away...but I would rather talk to my family, vacuum the living room, load the dishwasher, limb up that pine tree, etc. than worry about what my personal space looks like.

Feel free to take any of those things and snark away. Weight and skin tone are things that are not easily changed in a matter of minutes. Additionally, many women (myself included) only sink into a downward spiral when confronted with criticism like the original comment. Pointing things like that out in such a negative way is far more likely to send someone running for a pint of Ben and Jerry's than for the gym. Compulsive eating, laziness, etc. are bad habits that need to be taken apart piece by piece and new, healthy habits need to take their place...slowly.

Additionally, there are plenty of people (men and women) out there who aren't offended by someone's size but instead judge people by the quality of their moral character and by the joy and warmth that an individual projects into the world around them.

Be well, and know that no matter what size you are, I will hate you if you are a petty, insensitive jerk... and I will love every "fat, white lady" I come across who has a beautiful soul, sensitive spirit, creative mind and brings joy and peace to those around her.

MrsLewis said...

I just don't understand why people even take the time to post insults and it didn't even have anything to do with a craft project! Are their lives so dull and empty that they take the time to go through the many creative blogs just to post negativity. [I'm sure these people post nasty things on more than one blog] It's actually quite sad, I agree the best thing is to just hit delete [and post on this site] but nevertheless, words do hurt. The best thing to do is to repeat to your self what they said as a question, then give an answer to yourself in defense causing you to realize aloud how untrue it is, allowing you to just let it go. When it comes down to our everyday "offline" real lives all that really matters is your own self confidence and love for yourself as well as unconditional love from your family. Then you can acknowledge how sad and pitiful the haters are because they really hate themselves and that's why they spend their time spreading hate and hurt to others. These are people with low self esteem that I'm sure in real life feel the same need to put others down in order for them to feel better about themselves. Knowing that you yourself, is a good person who loves and cares for your husband and children [and they care for you] as well as real life friends and family is all you need to give you the strength to let the negativity "roll" off and continue doing what brings joy to your life without letting them bring you down. ;)

Amy said...

I would love if this site were updated more than once a day - not because I wish for more mean people, but because I love reading all these responses!

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

Thank you so much, everyone, for your encouragement. :) Even though that comment was left on my blog quite some time ago, I still think of it from time to time, and it still stings. Reading the uplifting words from you all made my day. Thanks Mandi and Viv for featuring me today. :)

Bloggers Unite Against Ugly Comments!

MiMi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
(Queenmothermamaw) Peggy said...

Hi Mandi, I came over from Peg's blog Pieces on my mind and think this is a wonderful idea. I had some crazy comments a couple of years back on one of my other blogs about my style of writing. I wrote back "Just don't bother to read. Please." This is a fun idea. I will be following.
QMM

- Brittany said...

Amanda, you are a beautiful person inside and out. I can't believe someone would leave a comment like that...wait, yes I can because they are jealous! Jealous of your good looks, jealous of your wonderful blog and jealous of your success. That is what it boils down to.

Do a mental trash pitch of that comment girl! You are so much better than that person.

Keep doing what you are doing. Your blog is great and we all know that!

XXOO Brittany

Just Me, Noelle :) said...

I embrace the fat :) It just means I get to eat and not feel guilty haha:) Coming from a FAT HALF WHITE GIRL :):)

Erin said...

Saw the title on the side and thought for certain is was about me and I was unaware that I had a little fame?? Anyhoo, Viv called, I may be fat and pale today, but tomorrow people will still be idiots. You know, I don't feel fat and pale(well, a little fat since Easter, but I digress) but I wonder if mean people feel mean? Or do you suppose they just think they are the nicest person alive? That is something I will have to ponder over some chocolate...